Jesus, People.
Happy Easter, Jesus people. Happy Pesacccch, Jews.
Once again, I did nothing. I have no family near. I apparently don’t factor into guest lists of peers for the holidays. I am not complaining. Well, maybe a little. I do this every year for every holiday that involves people being together. That’s most of them.
I think there was a time when I would go to things. People would never invite me but they would invite the women I was with at the time. Couple stuff. I knew the people but I guess I’m unapproachable or they assume I won’t respond or they assume I won’t come. It’s hard to know.
Every holiday I reflect on my lack of even casual friends that I can be casual with at a dinner thing. It’s weird. I guess I don’t do my part. I am a casual person. Casually intense.
I do know I did nothing for Passover. I grew up doing something for Passover. A Seder somewhere. Four questioning, dipping the herbs, repeating the plagues, finding the cracker, the whole schmear.
People my age are freeing up, wondering, dealing with new, old time. I’m at an age where many of my peers have kids who have left or are leaving. Many of them seem to be re-entering the circuit of work, play, free time. "Hey, man. I know it’s been about 18 years, but I have time now. Want to hang?”
It’s fine. I can’t talk about kids but I can talk about other people and health concerns. Those are biggies.
I am reflecting as a means of remembering. I exist for the moment. I feed on it. It’s why and how I have done almost everything in my life. The problem with it is you don’t always experience what you are doing until it's behind you. I’ve been thrown into a personal research project by a targeted ad. I saw an ad for an app that makes pics out of old slides. I have hundreds of old family slides dating back to before I was born. I am searching through my pre-me past and early me to see what I was living through, how I was dressed, the looks on my face.
While I was in my attic finding the old carousels I found a box of old journals. There are three full notebooks that I wrote in compulsively after my wife left me. The immediacy of journal writing when one is in pain and shock is a visceral read. It takes me back to the emotions immediately. Seeing the way my mind worked then is sad because it still works that way. The events were traumatic but the circuits are deep, seemingly unchanging. Behavior can change but the wiring is a closed circuit. A vibrating inner ouroboros that is the core of you. Or maybe the netting around the core.
Time is running out. I hope I land on some prolonged peace of mind before I lose it or crap out. The shifting off.
Today I talk to Steven Yeun who is one of the best actors working. Deep dude, too. On Thursday I talk to Alex Borstein. Also a great actor and intense Jew. We had an intense Jew off.
Enjoy!
Boomer, Monkey and LaFonda live!
Love,
Maron
A Targeted Ad.
