21,738 days, People!
That’s how many days I’ve been alive. Wild.
I don’t know what compelled me to figure that out, which means Google Search it, but I was compelled. I think I have moments when I doubt my accomplishments or wonder how much time I have wasted in relation to time alive and awake and engaged. I guess it’s relative though.
What is wasted time?
It’s all gotten me here. To this moment. To this life. I don’t think I have regrets but I do wish I had a different brain sometimes. A brain that doesn’t feel compelled to figure out how many days I’ve been alive and how many of them were a complete waste of time. I wish I had a brain that could easily do the math required to break down, on average, how much time I was sleeping, high, masturbating, spacing out, working, eating, doing comedy, talking on the mic, having sex, driving. I just want to get a full chart of squandered potential alongside of what I actually accomplished so I can compare and rationalize my process and life’s work as not being possible to have happened any other way than how it did.
Which is true.
I was just thinking about patterns and spirals and the unconscious circling back again and again to what defines my life and who I am and how I think. I believe it has evolved and changed a bit but that’s just the routing. I've aged out of some grooves and I’ve learned some lessons.
I started thinking about it all because of this vegan thing. It’s been more than two months. I had this realization that I attempted it before. Once? Twice? Who knows. 21,738 days. Somewhere in there. It’s like a déjà vu type of feeling only it isn’t really that. It’s not a feeling that you have experienced something or been somewhere that seems new. It’s realizing you actually have been or done or seen something before in the early days of you.
The strange thinking about getting older and adding up days is that many fade into the background and get pulled up as fragments and memories only when they are triggered somehow. Then you have to sit with it, work through it and figure out if it was a dream or not. If you were the only person involved it becomes hard to put it all together.
I am not loving the vegan thing. I don’t feel better in any way. I feel bloated and gassy most of the time. The only good thing is that I know I am better than other people.
Great talks this week! Today I talk to Brooke Shields about Brooke Shields and on Thursday I talk to Kelly Reichardt about her movies, all of them.
Enjoy!
Boomer, Monkey and LaFonda live!
Love,
Maron