Total Dread.

Sad, bleak, lightless days, People!

Bake a cake. Make some bread. Watch a movie. Shit is not getting better anytime soon, if ever. Stay in the present. No future thinky, ease up on the past thinky. No going back. 


Okay, maybe I’m not in a great space but it feels like an honest space. 
 
I’m wiped out. I barely know what day it is anymore. I’m starting to talk to myself. I feel physically ill most of the time. I’ve been tested for Covid twice. The last time was a week ago. Negative. I’ve been feeling like shit for months. It got worse after Lynn died and I think I understand what it is now. I thought it was allergies, maybe cancer. I don’t think so. 
 
My cat, Monkey, has been sick a long time. Even when Lynn was alive I had a certain amount of anxiety about how long he would live. I would get up every morning and see if he was alive, if he was okay, if he seemed like he had some time. Now, he’s actually on his way out and I realized I’ve been getting up totally anxious and full of dread and sadness that he would be dead or really sick and I’m exhausted and physically fucked up because of it. It was compounded by the grief after Lynn passed. The constant anxiety and preemptive mourning is wearing me the fuck down. Making me ill. No matter how many people have told me to put it in perspective and just realize he’s old and it’s okay and just let him be who he is until it’s obviously time to go—I couldn’t. Total dread, all the time. I’m tired. Sad. 
 
So, I believe it is that time. I know I’ve been saying this for months probably but he does not seem like he is having fun anymore. The asthma is consuming and the kidneys are going. He’s very skinny. 
 
Jesus, it’s really a day-to-day struggle to accept reality, live in it and try to believe anything will ever be okay again in my lifetime. It probably wont, really. Actually, the odds are likely it will get much worse. 
 
I did make another olive oil cake. So what? Me and Monkey will eat what we want now. This is it. Time to enjoy what little time there is left. Fuck it. 
 
Excellent talk with rapper and actor Ice T today. I was nervous about it and it was a blast. Same with Thursday’s talk with Joe List. I wasn’t nervous about Joe but I didn’t know him at all. I watched his special and I was happy to know going in that he was the real deal. No alt-comic shit. Straight up old school training with some of the guys I started with back in Boston. Great talks. 

 
Enjoy!
 
Boomer lives!
 
Love,
Maron