Hey, hang on, Folks.
Right?
Jesus, some days are just too much. I’m really trying to stifle very violent future thinking and escapist fantasies but I don’t want to be one of the ones that ‘didn’t get out in time.’ Right? Am I crazy? I know, I know. There’s nowhere to run. Isn't there though? Maybe just a place to buy some time. I mean, how much time do I have left, really? Do I stand and fight whatever comes down the pike or try to split. I guess I can if the fight is within the context of social debate and American democracy, but not if it's against a rag-tag army of steroid saturated ‘freethinkers,’ meth crazy hill people or a tank or both.
I don’t fucking know. My brain goes exciting places and in waking consciousness I respond to those thoughts as if they are real. An untethered, frightened imagination with nowhere to land.
I made it to 21 years sober yesterday. There was no meeting to go to where I could take a cake and a hug and say a few words. I ordered my own coin online and ate some cake at home. I would like to state here that I am grateful to be sober. I am grateful that I no longer have the obsession to drink or use drugs. I am grateful for the people in my life. I am humbled by the people who like what I do and continue to love me despite me not loving me. I am happy that whatever empathy I was lacking has been restored or grown. I like my life, even in the midst of the global shitstorm and tremendous loss in my personal life. I am actually happy to be alive. There. I said it.
Ok. Now I’m back.
I feel Monkey’s absence in the house. I feel the loss of Lynn in a deeper, more defined way. I think that being consumed with caring for the old cat kept my heart occupied but also always aware of the end. I kept it at bay for a bit and he did too. We both knew it was time. Loss and absence is settling in. I feel Lynn’s presence in the house sometimes. I don’t know if it’s actually her or not. If it is, I wish she would engage in a more tangible non-apparition type of way. Monkey’s ghost is wandering around too but maybe they are both just me seeing them in a flash out of the corner of my eye. Images being generated by the nostalgic and happier part of my mind. Or maybe they are flashes from the other life I am living. Where we all stay the same forever.
I’m ok. I’m ok. Seriously. I want to disappear. Stop. Head for the hills… of Ireland. Or maybe Taos for a few days. I know the disease is everywhere but some places are prettier than others and there are less diseased people around.
Today I talk to the amazing Sarah Snook about playing Shiv Roy on ‘Succession’ and other stuff. On Thursday I have a pretty earnest, sensitive talk with Ellen Page about her journey in show business and some of the things she is working on to help change the bad things. Great talks.
Enjoy!
Boomer lives! Viva Monkey! Viva LaFonda!
Love,
Maron
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