Panic, People.
I guess I’ve been a panicky person my whole life. I try to hide it and maybe it does recede a bit when I’m engaged with something, like a person or a task, but my resting brain is panicky.
When we are in a time where panic is warranted and reasonable, I generally think it’s the appropriate response and not some psychological aberration.
That implies that my mind works normally. Whatever that means. Well, it doesn’t. It never has. I was brought up with panic. Not too many principles, but panic. Worry.
Oddly the idea of treating my anxiety is still dubious to me. Which is puzzling, but also makes me understand the spectrum of questioning medication. I mean, you want to be able to handle it. You want to feel healthy enough to not need it or fight the convenience of it. Get obsessed with side effects and the compromise of your physical, mental and spiritual sanctity. That goes for any condition. Not just psychological. It’s dumb. Ego driven.
I can't take it anymore. It’s taking me to the edge of sanity.
I’ve been here before and generally I just ride it out. Fuck. It’s too much.
Like I’ll walk you through something that just happened. I texted Kit. No response. I’ve grown accustomed to not hearing back from people I text. I don’t respond half the time for a day or two. It’s hard to know when text threads end or if you’re waiting for a response. It’s part of life. I’ve adjusted to it.
For some reason I locked in and my brain just took off. She didn’t get back to me. I knew she was probably sleeping or doing laundry or at the dog park but my brain just what if’d it to something horrible and that became the dominant narrative. Car accident. Hospital. Death. What do I do if that happens? Her cats, her family. How do I handle that? Cutting back and forth between that and her most likely napping. Which she was.
It’s exhausting running all the scenarios all the time. With anything. With no indication that any of it is happening. It takes my brain to very dark places.
It’s been going non stop lately. With everything. Sadly with the political climate and the environmental climate there are plenty of indicators that the worst is happening. I wish, in light of that, I could find a bit of peace in my personal life but I cannot.
I know this is no surprise to those who know me and my work. But when am I going to do something about it?
I mean, I drink a gallon of coffee a day and constantly have a nicotine pouch in my mouth. God forbid I start by stopping that shit. I don’t.
I am terrified of the emptiness of my core.
I don't really know how to have fun or relax or just sit for very long. I am capable of all these things but my wiring seems to prefer panic and compulsive relief as opposed to peace of mind and acceptance.
I know, I know. This is basic existential stuff that I could get relief from with basic spiritual ideas.
I don’t know what it’s going to take to stop fighting the big empty and embrace it. Buddhism?
Anyway, I talk to Jane Marie today about a lot of things including her podcast The Dream. On Thursday I have a kind of amazing talk with comedian Chris Fleming.
Enjoy!
Boomer, Monkey and LaFonda live!
Love,
Maron