Happy Holidays, People!
Or do what you can. Do the best you can. You can get through it. Or enjoy.
This time of year is always weird for me. I wasn’t really brought up with holidays in the house for very long. I mean, you can’t avoid them. They’re pervasive, intrusive, tiring but I have to assume that many people enjoy them. Right? I’m always surprised that I know all of the Christmas carols because I don’t even really remember singing them. And I’m a Jew.
I know all The Beatles songs too. Similar somehow. The Beatles songs are comforting, familiar and there are so many. I feel like there’s five Christmas songs, I think. I guess they’re not really similar. They both can get annoying but the intensity of Beatles songs doesn’t really really pick up once a year. They’re just always lurking.
I know everything slows down this time of year. It feels quiet. Like everyone is cloistered in their own little family and friend world. Somehow it always surprises me. I am generally alone-ish. I have a moment of, ‘What the fuck is happening? Where is everyone?’ Then I realize I’m all alone in this world and I’m not connected to anything or anyone that is festive and nostalgic and god-loving.
Even Hanukkah was a bit intermittent. It happened sporadically and generally not for all of the nights. Over the years I have lit a candle or two. It feels good but not because it takes me back to family and community. It just makes me feel like a real Jew, which I like occasionally.
I tend to get a bit spaced out during this time. I wouldn’t say depressed. I think it's more pensive and reflective. Depressed. I know it’s not clinical, just a feeling of separateness and isolation. Untethered.
The reflective part is difficult. I don’t have many regrets but I do have a bit of shame about past incarnations of myself and my behavior. That is not regret but it is hard to accept sometimes. I lean into knowing that I have changed in many ways. It’s comforting but sometimes it’s really hard to do that. I really can't believe I was who I was at certain times in my life. When I pick these periods and events to reflect on I try to give myself a break, forgive myself. That doesn’t really work. The knowledge that I don’t act like that anymore and I am aware of my behaviors and try to act differently is the best I can do.
I have enough distance from past me now to really see myself honestly. It’s a little rough. Life is short and weird. Some things change and some things don’t and you ultimately run out of time.
Joy. There’s a lot of talk of joy this time of year. I can understand it. I think I can feel it. I have no control over it. Is it a choice?
Maybe if I focus on gratitude and look at the parts of my life that were and are great that would be helpful. I’ll do that.
I really have to start seeing myself in a positive way. That’s what I will work on this week through the New Year.
I’m trying to see myself in relation to the work I’ve done. I’ve been beating the shit out of myself for not doing enough comedy. Which means not doing it compulsively. I have a tour coming up that is a continuation of the tour I put on hold to do a few acting jobs one after the other. Instead of being pissed at myself I should just frame it as working in another medium that I wanted to work in and feeling it out.
Now I have to lock in to expressing myself with the funny and let the time we live in move through me. I’m not exactly clear on it all but I’m reading some books. In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts by Gabor Maté, Surviving Autocracy by Masha Gessen and The Crisis of Culture by Olivier Roy. Light stuff. Holiday reading.
I had an amazing time shooting in NYC on Deliver Me From Nowhere with Jeremy Strong and Jeremy Allen White and Paul Walter Hauser. It was a small part but Bruce Springsteen was there every day and because I had talked to him on the show before I was comfortable just hanging out and chatting with him. It was amazing.
I have a good life.
Today I talk to Bruce Vilanch about Bette Midler, writing for variety shows and the Oscars and other back in the day stuff. Thursday we look back at the roots of WTF with a bunch of material that was only available as bonus stuff. So if you aren’t a bonus subscriber this will be your first time hearing this stuff.
Enjoy!
Boomer, Monkey and LaFonda live!
Love,
Maron
