Back in LA, People.
New Mexico was good. I had time to think. Too much.
There was no TV where I was staying and I tried to stay off the phone and the computer. I have to be honest. My brain untethered from distraction is not the greatest neighborhood. I’m trying to clean it up. Do some repairs. Some of the structures up there are so old and the foundations so solid they are hard to tear down. Maybe I’ll just move some new stuff into them. That seems to work. Brighten them up a bit.
I’m happy I feel the need to spend time with my dad. Some of you have commented that it’s odd given what I have said about him and our relationship in the past. I say, not really. My father and I have had our ups and downs but busting his balls has always been part of the dynamic. It may be one of the reasons I became a comic.
If you have selfish, needy parents who have no real boundaries and see you as an extension of them instead of a separate person when you are child it leads to a crisis of self. That’s what I have grown to believe. Given that, either you disappear or you push back. That pushing back could be for a lifetime on some level. A little bit of fuck you goes a long way with vampiric parents. I mean, you’re not going to feel great about yourself but at least you’ll have some space to figure it out.
Oddly, that is exactly why I started to do comedy. To have control of some space of my own. I don’t think it was really entertaining for a few years but I figured it out. I leaned in. My biggest fear when I was younger was being embarrassed by my mother or just being embarrassed by life. There is no way to confront that fear radically other than doing possibly the most embarrassing job. Not embarrassing on an appearance level or an economic level but by putting yourself out there to possibly be rejected. Even to the extent of courting rejection in order to try to defy it. I mean, it’s important to be funny and most of what I am talking about I realized later but it seems to make sense to me.
To this day, sometimes when I do comedy, I feel like my entire sense of self is on the line. That is exactly the way my relationship was with my parents before I could fight it.
As I’m writing this some of this is just becoming clear to me. Exciting. Thankfully I have a craft in place that will override the need to make everything cringey. Though I still enjoy a bit of that. Keeps shit real.
I can just be funny now.
I was very excited to talk to Luca Guadagnino. When we booked him on the show I had no idea his new film Queer was based on the William Burroughs book. I’ve been obsessed with Burroughs most of my adult life. I still can't really wrap my head around his work entirely but I do know it blows my mind anytime I pick any of it up and start reading.
To talk to someone for an hour about their work and the work of Burroughs was a real treat.
The antidote to the untethered mind. Talking to other humans in an open way. In this case, talking about someone who untethered their mind and let it go further out than almost anyone in the name of personal expression.
On Thursday, I talk to Dwight Yoakam. His new album is great but the talk we had was just as good. He’s a historian and storyteller. I’m not even sure I needed to be there. I’m glad I was though. We listened to Creedence on my couch after the talk. Good times.
Enjoy!
Boomer, Monkey and LaFonda live!
Love,
Maron
