Home is getting heavier, People.
I just got back from Albuquerque. As many of you know, I grew up there.
When you’re younger and you leave home for whatever - college, to move to another city, to run away, etc - you come home it feels like a hero’s return. You come with tales from outside the zip code. Big stories of other cities and experiences that would never happen at home. Sometimes you need to dry out and/or get your head together. The return is glorious though.
Now that I’m older, going home is different. It’s heavier. You see your old friends and where they are on the spectrum of being beaten down, humbled by life and age. It’s not bad, it’s just bittersweet.
I went home to do a show at the Kimo Theater. It was sold out.
Two days before I left, Charlie Beans stopped eating and was lethargic. I took him to the vet the day before I left but they found nothing wrong with him. This happened before and he didn’t eat for days. It’s very stressful and scary. I love the guy.
So, I went to Albuquerque heavy-hearted and concerned about my cat. Kit was caring for him but it’s just so sad when your animals get sick.
I spent time with my father who is still in what seems to be the early stages of dementia. He hadn’t changed much since a couple of months ago and he was engaged and seemed pretty good considering. It’s hard though, sad. I am glad I go see him.
I had dinner with four old friends that I have known for 40-50 years. It’s crazy. There we all were. Aging guys. Trying to remember moments from our youth. It’s amazing how many of them revolved around getting fucked up and not dying and fucking. The mind prioritizes interesting things. Not that those things aren’t important. They may be the most important. Vitality. Risk.
The strange thing about being home is I am not really the person I was growing up. I was not that funny when I was younger. I was needy and intense and desperately trying to be liked by the people that I liked. There was nothing easy or natural or relaxed about the younger me. Maybe I’m not that different. I am funnier though.
I was very nervous about the show. So many people from my past, people I hadn’t seen in decades, were there. My dad was there. His wife and her extended family were there. I was scared that I would regress and become that guy I was in high school.
All through it I was worried about Charlie who still wasn’t eating.
I did the show. It was great. I really connected with who I was and who I am now. I connected with the city I grew up in and the people that were still there. It was emotionally draining. After the show I was wiped out from the weight of the emotions. I lost touch with why I do comedy and why I do the comedy I do and why I choose to talk about what I talk about. Drained.
I ate some cake and felt better. I was still kind of shattered. Sad about what time does to us and people in our lives. It’s natural and normal and even sweet but sobering.
When I got back to Los Poblanos where I stay, I was a bit shattered and concerned about my cat. There’s an old cat at the place that lives on the grounds and wanders around. He’s called Mouse. I have spent time with him before. He’s a sweet old guy. When I got out of my car it was 11:30 at night and I started walking to my room. I heard Mouse meowing and I spotted him. I said hi and he followed me to my room. He came inside and he spent the night with me. I think he knew I was cat sad. So he gave me some support . While he was on my lap I tried to tap into the global cat consciousness and use him as a portal to send some healing energy to Charle.
The next morning Kit FaceTimed with me and Charlie was starting to eat a bit. Relief.
I stopped at a family friend’s house on my way to the airport. She’s my parents age and has experienced some sickness and loss recently. We talked about grief and had some feelings. It was great to see her but it’s all so heavy.
Life is hard and sad after a point but that is just what it is. It’s still sweet.
Grief for time passing and for loved one’s passing is just part of it. Acceptance. It’s okay.
Charlie is still a bit sick but he’s bouncing back.
Today I talk to Chef José Andrés about his global food outreach and his life. Thursday I talk to Fisher Stevens about Fisher Stevens. Great conversations.
Enjoy!
Boomer, Monkey and LaFonda live!
Love,
Maron
