I need some sleep, People.
It doesn’t matter what time I go to bed I still seem to wake up at 6 am. Just happens. I thought it was what happens when you get old. You need less sleep. When I wake up though it feels like there’s a boulder on my chest. That’s not normal.
It must be anxiety, stress, unresolved grief, panic. Who knows? Between the world being on fire and my father being sick and trying to do a new set, maybe that could be the boulder. I’m exhausted. It’s not even that hot here yet. Just waiting. Waiting for the fires. Never ends.
I’m hiking and eating well and doing the creative work but it all feels a bit haunted. There’s a crackling of the dryness, kindling, at the edge of my feelings. I’m finding it harder to be diplomatic or keep my mouth shut when I feel compelled to say something that, though honest, may be off-putting. Oh, wait. That’s what I have been doing my entire career. That is a big part of what I do. Ok. Glad we worked this out.
I guess I’m just being hard on myself. Damn, that’s also what I always do. Okay. Maybe I should figure out why I am doing these things. Do they still serve me? Do I have any control over them? I mean, shit. I’m meditating. I should be able to turn this stuff off. I think that would require I turn everything off. Just shut it all down. Everything that requires a plug or a charge and just leave my heart connected and see what that does.
I’m just sick of what we call culture or the cul-de-sac I am driving around in or the fact that we all have a cul-de-sac. I’ll work it out. I’m probably just overwhelmed and sad and dealing. When I have that as a foundation my habit is to exacerbate it with a lot of other shit. Fire. Throw gas on the fire. Inside. If it’s outside I’ll focus on that.
Horrible way to get out of yourself.
I hung out with Lynn in a dream the other night. I asked her if she still loved me and she said she did. Then she asked me if I still loved her and I said I did. Then she told me that Marlon Wayans would do the podcast closer to the release of Respect. Which was an odd thing to tell me in that moment.
Today I talk to James Murphy from LCD Soundsystem. I actually just started listening to them. Shut up. There is no late to the party. It’s always going. Just have to go to some other cul-de-sacs. On Thursday I talk to Rick Ingraham. A new generation of a Comedy Store Institution. Great talks!
Enjoy!
Boomer, Monkey and LaFonda live!
Love,
Maron