Onward into it, People.
Week Four of this horrible process of grieving for me. Week Three of the protests and grieving in the streets. Year Four of the grieving for this country under this administration. Three months and counting into the pandemic. Today I have Jerry Seinfeld on the show.
I think the most difficult thing about grief for me at this time is what the mind seems to focus on. I’m heading into my fourth week here. Lynn has been cremated. Most of the practical responsibilities on my end have been done. There is a death certificate I have seen with a cause of death. Undiagnosed Acute Myelogenic Leukemia. There is some closure. My brain keeps going back to that week, to that day, to the hospital when I saw her body in the ICU. Now, with a cause of death, I go back further into the last few months. Looking for clues. She had many health issues and small symptoms could easily be lumped into more chronic discomforts that didn’t seem menacing. Could it have gone another way? Was there more I could’ve done? The answer is no. It went the way it went and I did everything I could. I was there for her all the way through. We didn’t know what was happening.
The brain wants to blame. In my case, my brain wants to blame me for something. Fortunately, I have done enough work on myself to understand that and sort things out. Grief is hard enough without emotional self-immolation. I have been in constant touch with a core group of friends helping me through this. I have not been talking to people who are friends but emotionally incapable of creating space for my grief. I’ll catch up with them later.
I have been meeting with a therapist to specifically work through the trauma of that last week, finding her collapsed on the floor, calling the ambulance, the last day of her life and seeing her body. I’ve been really feeling the pain around those events. After doing some EMDR and moving through all of them I was able to realize that I did do all I could and Lynn was exactly where she wanted to be, with me. I was where I wanted to be, with her and able to take care of her the best I could. We had a good time together. Right up until those last few days.
I’ve been able to start looking at pictures of her and us again. It’s nice.
It’s day to day but I’m doing okay.
In the beginning, WTF was a comedy podcast. I talked to comedians almost exclusively. Over the years it has become a large tapestry exploring the history of comedy. There are many people I would like to have on that I can’t for one reason or another. I didn’t think Jerry Seinfeld would ever come on and I was okay with that but… today I talk to Jerry Seinfeld. It is definitely a unique talk with that guy. On Thursday, if all goes as planned, I will talk to Stacey Abrams about the state of the country, the state of herself and the state of electoral politics most likely.
Enjoy!
Love,
Maron