Hanging in, People.
Someone brought me a banana bread. A big one. So, that’s happening. I froze half of it thinking that would slow me down but it’s pretty easy to just get a piece out of the freezer. I don’t know why I am writing about this. I think it’s because as I write this I’m trying to talk myself out of defrosting a piece because I’ve already had two. This is my life right now. The struggle continues.
Some days, I really can’t take what is happening in the world. I know I was cynical before, angry. Occasionally, I feel defeated. Now that I see the world through the new hole in my heart it’s challenging to ground myself in any hope. Everyday feels like a week. I wake up early and I have a full week’s worth of feelings by the time I crash.
Eat some banana bread.
I’m half-grateful for the quarantine just because it gives me time to just feel and watch where the feelings go. Let them happen. I love my house. I have good people in my life. I am grateful to be working. I have been reading and thinking and playing guitar and cooking and exercising and talking to new people every week. I am ok. Me? Ok. World? I don’t know.
I have become born again terrified of the Covid. I have taken to wearing a mask and a hat with a plastic shield. Looks a little crazy but it makes me feel better. Who knows what the fuck is up with this virus? No one is in charge and they don’t seem to really know what the fuck this bug is and what it can do.
Wear your fucking mask.
I still spend a lot of time wondering about my cat Monkey. He has good days and bad days. He’s been sleeping by my head at night. Which is nice. He’s become very frail and sweet. I’m glad he’s hung in this long. It really would’ve been too much for me to take if he had died. I don’t know though. How do we know what we can take? It seems that most people take what life gives them and how it bends you or builds you is how you become defined, shaped. It could always go either way. You get bigger or you get broken. Humbling either way. Humanity. Wisdom? Sadness.
I’m a little less full-time sad. It’s been two months since Lynn passed. It’s heavy on my heart and there is no place to hide and not a lot of ways to dodge it. I had a dream the other night that we were kissing and I told her that I was so happy she wasn’t dead because I was tired of jerking off thinking about her. Then I woke up. It's sad, but kind of funny. What a cruel brain I have when it's left to its own devices.
I talk to Colin Jost today. Good guy. Solid. Funny. Even if he is a ‘Harvard Guy.' On Thursday I talk to Jim Carrey. I think it went well. Great talks.
Enjoy!
Love,
Maron