Holidays were okay, Folks!
So far. I guess we’re almost out of the tunnel. I hope yours were good!
I’m in New Mexico which can be pretty bittersweet as time goes on. As many of you know my dad and his wife are here. He’s begun his dementia struggle. I never really know where he will be at when I come out here. Fortunately he still knows me and was in pretty good spirits when I saw him. Engaged.
I got him laughing pretty good. That seems to be the best indicator for me whether or not he still has deep self-awareness because I’m pretty relentless. It’s always been the goal. Making my father laugh, mostly at himself and what a pain in the ass he can be. I would say it’s where I developed some of my comedy style. It was out of necessity, a defense.
It was good to see him. I’ve grown to appreciate these visits and not take them for granted. I appreciate the fact that not only is time limited but cognition is as well and that could go before he does. It’s a heavy matter of fact that I can trivialize or make jokes about, but in honesty I have no idea how that will affect me. I make jokes to preemptively disarm devastating emotional realities and upheavals. My brain wants to get a handle on them so I can feel ready and I do that with framing them funny.
I also realize that it’s not easy for the people in his life on a daily basis. Mostly his wife, Rosie. When I’m around, all his energy goes into showing up as fully as he can to show me he’s ‘fine.’ I’ve noticed this with older podcast guests I’ve talked to who have all their wits about them. It’s an exhausting endeavor to focus. The people that deal with him daily deal with a lot. The ups and downs of confusion, memory loss, inability to perform simple tasks, emotional volatility and the diminishing of personality. It’s a truly horrible process and I have a tremendous amount of gratitude and empathy for his wife who has chosen to ride this thing out with him. I offer my help in any way I can but man, she’s the fucking hero in this war story.
I usually get fairly melancholy when I’m here just because I have had some realizations about coming home in the last couple of years. I was half planning to find a place out here and spend part of the year living here. That fantasy has faded for a few reasons. It’s not that you can never go home again, it’s just that whatever you are looking for isn’t there. It’s within you. It needs to stay there or it will become tragic. Albuquerque is a beat-up city. It’s very different than the one I grew up in, I think. What do I know? I was looking at it as a child growing up with a perspective that is long gone. If I want that back I have to go there in my mind, in my heart. I can’t search for it on the streets, parking lots, restaurants, rivers and mountains of my youth. They can trigger the senses but I can’t go back. I guess that’s what it means to not be able to go home again.
To be honest, it wasn’t that great a time, growing up. I do love the skies here though. It’s the consistency of the environment and vibe that stays true and moves me still.
I talked Kit out of going to Chicago because of the horrible weather and she came out to New Mexico to hang with me. That’s been great. We’re having a nice time. Showing someone where your young life happened is a great way to be nostalgic.
There’s a lot of eating going on too. Great but not great. I’ll reel it in. I think.
Today I talk to Courtney Love and I have to preface it by saying it’s not an easy talk. She’s a unique, intense, fired up person. My role in the talk seems to be solely to guide it as best I can and just hold on. Hang with it. There’s a story there. On Thursday I talk to Eric McFadden. He’s a musician who I knew when we were kids back in Albuquerque but we didn’t really stay in touch. Since then he’s had an amazing solo career and also toured with the likes of George Clinton and Eric Burdon. It’s a unique talk about growing up in New Mexico and living the dream.
Enjoy!
Boomer, Monkey and LaFonda live!
Love,
Maron
The Skies.
