Porch time, People.
I just have to accept that this is my idea of fun. Sitting on my porch. I’m sitting here as I write this.
I don’t know if I would experience this feeling on any porch but I sit out here and watch and listen to birds. I watch neighbors walk by as they look at me over the gate that’s connected to nothing but a hedge. I think about my yard and things that need to be done. I read sometimes. I smoke cigars sometimes (I’ll be off again soon). I write. I eat. I spiral. I figure things out.
I don’t know if it’s the porch so much as it is a commitment to ride that line between what’s in my head and what’s outside of it without too much movement. Without too much stress.
I guess I’ve been talking about it a bit. What am I supposed to do now? How do I enjoy my life? There’s a lot of things I think about doing, things I picture myself doing. Like traveling the world or buying an apartment in NYC. Like getting a newer, nicer car or getting my house painted. I’d like to think I’m the kind of person that can do all these things and enjoy them. I think that’s a fictional me that enjoys watching me have a good time. I am much more bound to the moment. To the porch. Where I eject from my head and listen to birds or ponder a bush I may get rid of. That’s tangible. The bush. The birds. The now.
I always stop short of doing many of the things I see myself doing. It takes a lot of momentum to overcome the anxiety or dread of action to get me out of my head. I’m glad I don’t smoke weed. Then I could live in my head.
I’m not completely paralyzed. If there is something I really want to do, it will eventually happen. I don’t even think about it that much. It’s more like I plant it in my head. There’s some natural part of my brain engine that works it. Shapes the desire and puts it into the ‘to do’ box without a deadline. It happens in its own time.
I can manifest. I guess I should trust my filter and process. Maybe I know myself better than I give myself credit for. I do things in the world.
I’m not a spiritual person. I can and do move my imaginary self through some pretty exciting stuff that I think happens in the same space spiritual stuff happens. As long as it’s not a disaster.
Today I have a very engaged, deep, heavy and spiritual talk with the actor/musical artist Tituss Burgess. On Thursday I talk to psychedelics veteran Shane Mauss again about his journey ending up in a psych ward. Great talks.
Enjoy!
Boomer, Monkey and LaFonda live!
Love,
Maron
To the Porch.
