What day is it, People?
What time is it?
Does it matter? No.
It’s an odd feeling when no day is any different than the other. At least for me it isn’t. There is something freeing about this pestilent pause. The baseline is fear, layers of fear, fear on top of fears for many, no end to the fear. Around us is a degree of quiet that I don’t think I have ever heard in a city. It’s peaceful and horrifying simultaneously.
I feel no pressure to do anything other than try not to get sick (or fat). I’m not going stir crazy. I’m not even bored. My sense of time has spread out relative to the pace of life now and my days feel full. I’m spending time with Lynn here at the house and we’re not even driving each other crazy. At least she says that I’m not.
I’m going through my shit. I’m throwing shit away. I’m arranging, organizing, thinking and doing the work. Something has relaxed in my mind during the day to the point that when I wake up in the middle of the night freaking out it’s pretty pure.
Waking consciousness is a wide-open state. No filters and a blurry line between reality and dream. It’s there that I get terrified about my own mortality (including getting sick and dying), the future and whether or not my cat is going to die soon. I tend use all of my fears as bats to beat the shit out of myself with. In every scenario. Somehow, it’s all my fault.
Just to let you know, the only way out of this beating is some fairly dramatic self-talk like, ‘I’m done.’ Done with what exactly? Whatever it is that I think is causing me anxiety. Work, living in this country, eating, life, cats, etc. It really doesn’t mean I am ‘done.’ It’s just comforting. I am working on some other ways to deal with it in the acceptance realm. I’ll let you know how that goes.
Today I have an amazing conversation with actress Laura Linney and it was done over the video interface platform thingy. It was encouraging. She is a truly lovely person. On Thursday I have a courageous conversation with Whitmer Thomas about his new comedy special ‘The Golden One’ and his life. Heavy. That talk wasn’t courageous because of the content, it was courageous because he came over. We kept the appropriate distance. Great talks.
Enjoy!
Love,
Maron