Wired, People-
Man, I have got to turn my brain off or stop doing everything at full intensity. I lack the ability to compartmentalize properly. Everything just vibrates wildly at the same frequency. Every task is loaded with the same dire need for completion. Whether it's cleaning my car, feeding my cats, getting medical tests, making coffee, trading in records, cooking, taking care of bills, fucking, everything, same intensity.
Each day is fueled by the panic of not getting everything done and there’s really no urgency to any of it and most of it is ongoing.
I guess the point is I seem to like panic and dread. BUT the other side of that is that when everything is so loaded there’s a feeling of immense satisfaction when I get them done. Folding a load of clean laundry feels the same as if I just finished writing a novel.
That’s the sad reality. I load up my docket with the mundane tasks and ongoing chores because I like being busy with that stuff. I don’t like writing. So, every day is filled with my life’s work of maintaining basic life.
I spent three days cleaning my office and I feel like I changed the world. I did. Mine.
I really need to do some fun stuff like spend more time with friends, take a vacation, figure out how to just be calm and enjoy my life. What!? Without panic and worry? I don’t even know what that looks like. I can feel it’s possible. I can visualize it.
Most of my patterns are so dug in I’m not even sure that free will exists outside of them. It all feels like chaos out there. It is. Maybe that’s what freedom is. Embracing the chaos. Riding the wave of not knowing or accepting that I actually don’t really know almost anything. Obviously, I have the freedom to do most of what I want. But what exists outside of my chosen reality and what does it take to get out there into that zone? It feels like that zone exists somewhere in between knowing you're about to get in an accident and hitting the other car.
Also, I’m emotionally stunted and broken. I seem to spend a lot of time scrolling through animal vids. The ones that get me are the interspecies affection ones. Like dogs and cats, humans and monkeys, cats and birds, etc. There really seems to be genuine frequency of love out there among the beings without self awareness. I need to get there. Get out from under the paralyzing effects of my self awareness. Enough to open it up and be in that love frequency. I think I read that as chaos. I have to get this shit straight. Time is running out.
Sorry, too much coffee today. A lot going on with my synapses.
Today I talk to my Bad Guys costar Anthony Ramos about his life journey from the projects to baseball to the original cast of Hamilton. Thursday, I talk to Jeff Stilson. He’s a great comic who wrote for Letterman for years and has been part of some classic comedy shows. Good week.
Enjoy!
Boomer, Monkey and LaFonda live!
Love,
Maron
Interspecies Affection.
