Patterns, People.
I need my patterns. I do want to report that I can be okay without them, though. It’s taken a long time but it's the little things that give you the strength. Also, some things just lose their meaning as you get older.
I've been home for a few days and it worked like a charm. I got grounded in my life pretty quickly.
I brought a bunch of stuff up to Vancouver to get set up to be there on and off for the long haul ahead. I instinctively know to get enough of my stuff around me to maintain the patterns that give me some small sense of control. Not much, but enough to keep me grounded. I need things. I need my coffee, my lotion for my face, my body soap, things to cook the few things that I cook, my shampoo, my vitamins, a guitar, the underwear I like, the socks I like, the pants I wear, the shirts, the shampoo, my face soap and a few other things.
I need them. They aren’t really essential. Everything on that list could be replaced or substituted with something similar and it would be fine. Annoying, but fine. I can deal with that. For a while, not forever.
The things I needed to bring on the road in the past were very specific and I would kind of freak out if I didn’t have them. I spent a lot of time before I left putting my specific toiletries in little travel containers because I had to have them. They were essential. They weren’t really but they were the things I was used to and they kept at bay the chaos of everything out of my control.
After 30 years of travel I have finally gotten to the point where I may not even bring my own shampoo and just use what they have at the hotel. That is insane. True progress. The idea that I could show up in a strange city without my specific shampoo and not scramble around town to try to find it is amazing. Then I realized that the scramble and panic is just the second line of defense against the big unknown and entropy.
The fact is I just don’t care that much anymore. It will be okay if I don’t have my toothpaste. It will not undermine my sense of self. Big step.
It all starts to seem pretty ephemeral, trivial. But the act of investing meaning and importance in the mundane things that make up our lives is a kind of sympathetic magic engaged to maintain the person you think you are. Symbolic objects that you have decided determine your sense of self and define you. It’s ridiculous, but sometimes it's all you have. That one pair of pants. A shirt you love.
Most of it is losing its meaning and some of it is just a necessity. For me to see them as such is a relief and some indication that I am not as panicked as I once was and I can half accept the darkness heading my way because it is inevitable.
I do need my Cetaphil Gentle Face Cleanser, though. Always.
Today I talk to Molly Ringwald about her life and being the woman we all remember as a teen. On Thursday I talk to actor/director Tony Goldwyn about his sweet new film ‘Ezra’ and about being a third generation ‘nepo baby.’ Good stuff.
Enjoy!
Boomer, Monkey and LaFonda live!
Love,
Maron
