Control, People.
Do we have any power over anything? Not much. As I type these letters I feel like I am in charge of these words. Powerful.
People feeling powerless and scared can lead to chaos and insanity and religion sometimes. Almost all of us are desperate on some level. Almost all of us are scared, bordering on terrified, most of the time. Almost all of us want to hang our fear and desperation on something that makes sense and makes us feel like we have a handle on shit. This means most of us are suckers and marks, part time fiends, compulsives and control freaks, martyrs. How’s that new regimen working out?
Do you hit or take the hit?
I know that I am a mark. I am aware of the type of mark I am. I am vigilant to apply reason and skepticism to anything coming at me in a pitch. I lapse into vitamins and diets but I draw the line at religion and Qanon. Same portal that becomes a brutalized orifice by the big frequency hustlers. Brain fuckers.
I’ll give Glucosamine Chondroitin a go but I don’t think the Jews are a problem that needs to be solved. I’ll eat some probiotics for my gut garden but I know Trump is not going to be inaugurated next week. Then I’ll pull back from the vitamins all together and just be mad at most things as we all move decidedly and unavoidably toward our death one way or the other.
So, without the possibility of the religion hook, I get locked in to unnecessary tasks that my brain can’t get rid of until I follow through. The way I ground myself is to find a reason to be angry at myself for doing something or not doing something. The first is an eternal spring. The second is a compulsion du jour. When I’m busy my brain doesn’t really do this but filling time during the plague brings out all the old cycles. Sometimes it’s a good thing. I get things done. It’s the urgency that is annoying.
All of these start as just a thought. I am learning through meditation that you can just let thoughts pass. They aren’t real. Just thoughts. But sometimes I lock on.
I went to Whole Foods with a list. I got what I needed. I left the store and realized I didn’t get a kabocha squash. I didn’t need it. I wanted it. Eating and preparing food is a big stabilizer for me. I couldn’t believe I forgot the squash. I was furious at me. It takes a lot to go to the store in the plague. To soldier through the possible Covid clouds. I didn’t even need the squash. I couldn’t get it out of my head. I applied my meditation tools. Just let the thought pass. It’s just a thought. It’s the kabocha squash thought. Let it pass.
It didn’t. It circled, every half hour or so, across my mind, a Japanese pumpkin. Kabocha.
I’ve really been fighting the urge to suit up with my N95 and silly plastic face shield and angrily storm into Whole Foods for that spite squash I don’t really need. I haven’t. Writing about it helps.
This is my spiritual journey. Ignoring the circling flying squash in my mind and being present and okay with who I am and the world around me in this moment. Fucking kabocha.
Problems remain. We all do what we can to stay sane. A lot of that is involuntary and hopefully not too dangerous to ourselves or others.
Today I talk to Tim Allen. Don’t freak out. He’s really a comic at his core. On Thursday I talk to Jake Gyllenhaal. Good talks!
Enjoy!
Boomer, Monkey and LaFonda live!
Love,
Maron