Here we go, Folks
That's how I start the day. It’s the first thing I say. I guess not all the time. Sometimes, when I wake up, I think, ‘Surprise!’
It’s difficult to keep existential panic at bay. There’s a balance to it. I think I have lived my life so engaged and focused and compulsive about what I do that I missed a lot of what life is about. Now that I’m on the other side of a lot of that momentum, some psychological, spiritual and emotional space is opening up. My default is, ‘Why not fill it with fear?’ Another part of my brain thinks, ‘Why bother doing anything?’ Then the strongest voice chimes in with, ‘What the fuck do we do now?’
I’m a bit worn out. Some of my patterns are tired. I’ve worked hard. I have lived the life of an emotionally stunted, childless grown-up for many decades. Before that I was just an emotionally immature adult. Before that I was 15.
Whatever my shortcomings are and were, I am highly aware of them now and know that I am in a strange grown-up class of people, the ones who didn’t take the common route of creating a family and the responsibilities around that. What do I have to share from that point of view that I haven’t already?
Can I still grow? Most likely, yes. Is there a new path for me? Probably. How do I find the time to really sit with myself on purpose?
I know I say this every year, but I feel like this tour I’m doing may be, if not the last, the last of its kind in relation to me. Somehow I have to learn to express myself from a place that’s less visceral and directly related to my life and thoughts about my life. My life has remained kind of unchanged in many ways for a very long time. Things happen, some bad, some good, but the position of me in the world and me in my body and mind has been relatively constant for years. It has to shift.
The mind and the body are begging to break down a little bit. Not just physically, but there’s a letting go that seems to want to happen now. Ego doesn’t like letting go. So, I’m in negotiations with it to enable it and not fall apart completely. That would be bad.
I’ve been out in Albuquerque spending time with my father for a few days. He has dementia and has been slowly detaching. He knows me, for now. I spent many hours with him in a row. More than usual. Initially he seems to put a lot of energy into engaging and believing he’s okay. Then, by evening, he’s just kind of detached. I imagine it’s exhausting. It’s not a front but those hours of engagement are a diminishing resource for him.
I still prod around in his mind for bits and pieces that are now available without a filter. They provide insight into him but usually they are also insights into myself. Keys to the traits that we both share. Helpful but a bit horrible in ways. I see where some of them got him.
I’ve always been aware of most of the similarities but there's poetry to expressions from a senile mind. It’s concise and to the point.
I also talked to an old friend I grew up with. We are around the same age and both hyper-aware of where we are in our lives. We were able to reflect on it a bit but also express the surprise of it in a way. We both knew it was coming but now it’s here and who are we now. It’s kind of mind blowing. It didn’t happen all of a sudden but somehow it feels like it snuck up on us slowly and pounced.
I’m just reflecting and thinking aloud here without much direction.
I am ok.
Today I talk to Lily Gladstone and I have to say it was amazing. It felt like an honor. She just holds that kind of space. On Thursday I talk to comedian Mae Martin which was surprising in that we have a lot in common. I didn’t assume that would be the case but it definitely was. Good week.
Enjoy!
Boomer, Monkey and LaFonda live!
Love,
Maron
