How are you, People?
I’m in pain. Physical pain. Like, all the time. It’s my own fault. I have to choose between beating the shit out of myself mentally or beating the shit out of myself physically so I won’t do it mentally.
I guess some things just aren’t going to change for me. I need to be within a certain weight range for me to believe I deserve to live. I am my mother’s son.
I came home from weeks on and off the road and I definitely did not feel well in my vessel. My slightly heavier vessel. So, I had to focus and begin vessel repair. I was carrying a lot of ice cream and bad food choices.
Over the last week I did my 50-minute straight incline hike and 20 minutes straight decline jogging descent three times. Alternating days. The other three alternating days I worked out. By the time Saturday came around I could barely walk but I felt like I was doing what I needed to do. I brought my calorie intake down to about 2000 a day and that became the job.
My shoulders are fucked, my back is fucked, my big toes have been fucked for years. Now my left ear is fucked but that’s a different issue.
This level of compulsive exercise had served me through the pandemic and through my grief. If I stop for a few days my brain goes dark and my pants don’t fit right.
I figured out that my shoulders are probably a mess because I strained them doing pull ups and they never heal because of the yoga I do every day. My back, I don’t know. I wake up in pain.
I decided to go to an acupuncturist. She did Gua Sha on me. Scraped at my pained places with a tool designed to do that kind of scraping. She burst a bunch of capillaries and made weird bruises all over my body. This is good according to the discipline. She stuck the needles in places and cupped a bit of blood out of others. I don’t do the Chinese folk medicine often. I’ve done it once in my life. I’m supposed to know if it helped by tomorrow. I do feel like I’ve been through something. Something less than shoulder or back surgery.
In my heart I know that the real solution is to take it easier, maybe even take a month off. I just can't. I assume eventually I will break somewhere and have no choice. That will teach me to not accept myself.
Today I talk to Taraji P. Henson, who I love. Totally. On Thursday I talk to Alan Ruck about Beuller through Succession. Great talks. Truly.
Enjoy!
Boomer, Monkey and LaFonda live!
Love,
Maron
