Hello, Old Friends!
I am one of the new olds. It’s time to reckon and accept.
I am flying back from New Mexico as I write this. I went to see my father who is actually holding relatively steady and in a slightly spaced state. He still knows who I am when I am there. He still knows who he is mostly. He is not really sure what happened at some points in his life. Mostly the catalysts of negative events where he either got taken or he got in trouble. I guess if you are going to forget some big chunks, those would be a relief to be done with.
I spent many hours with him over the weekend trying to piece periods together with him. His memory is actually very thorough. The time lines are vague. I think that is a symptom of age. If you didn’t take notes, shit gets jumbled and events float untethered in your history of you.
I have been trying to put my own timeline together. Almost six decades into this charade and having lived in five different cities, some twice, makes it tricky. I have no familial stability as markers. No kids. Though two wives explain about nine years of some consistency, at least around who was primary in my life. Other than that it was a few cats and a lot of interactions and engagements of many different kinds with many different people (yes, I’m being a little cagey). Much of this time I was an active drunk and addict and driven by fury to manifest my desire to be a comedian. That was always the priority.
Through the course of that I did a lot of emotional damage to myself and others and have a somewhat vague recollection as to the catalysts of some of the more painful changes I went through. Just like my old man. I believe I can still excavate that timeline.
I’m reflecting now because I was home and spent time with a couple of my oldest friends. The new olds. We are all around sixty and one of them puts a time limit on how much we can talk about physical health, blood numbers, poop, exercise, aches and pains. We were able to isolate that I was probably the biggest asshole when I was in my early to mid-twenties. Because I would come into town occasionally and be that. They didn’t really know me that well as I became a more evolved asshole in relationships.
I’ve worked through most of this stuff. Sometimes with the people I hurt. A lot of it is sort of toothless now within me other than some shame residue. We all have broken hearts and broke hearts.
I guess seeing my father this time trying to put it together for himself but ultimately landing on ‘I just don’t care anymore’ was profound. I imagine ‘I just don’t know anymore’ is soon to come. It will all go.
So, I wouldn’t say I’m being nostalgic but I am on a psychological dig into my memory for understanding the impact of who I was on myself and others and hopefully finding some good stuff as well in the soul dumpster.
Today I talk to Ronny Chieng whose specials I watched the day before meeting him. Great comic. Intense guy. On Thursday I talk to Bobby Farrelly about his work with his brother and his new film, Champions.
Enjoy!
Boomer, Monkey and LaFonda live!
Love,
Maron
Soul Dumpster.
