Cats, People.
Charlie Beans Roscoe is alive and well today.
I lose my mind when my cats are sick. He hadn’t eaten in three days. I was on the road. I had to work. I was just thinking the worst. I was seeing my entire life through the possibility of my cat being sick and I seem to always assume they will die.
I couldn’t get it out of my head. I was traveling. I felt like I was powerless. I don’t know what I could’ve done if I were home. It wouldn’t have mattered. What can you do when a cat isn’t eating? Nothing. My stress would’ve just made the situation worse. The cat would’ve become a sponge for my anxiety. I’ve been through this so many times before. It’s a pattern. The panic. The spiraling. The assuming the worst. The dread.
It was compounded this time. Kit hasn’t been feeling well. My mom isn’t well. My dad is losing his mind. Past pains. I have to travel. Everything is out of my control. Charlie is sick. It became all about Charlie Beans.
I was having a hard time controlling the worry. The anxiety was relentless. I know how to turn it off. I’ve been sober long enough and done some meditating. I can put my blinders up. I can stop the noise and realize that almost all of what I am reacting to is generated by my mind without my permission.
The worry.
I realized something this time. If it’s not one thing it’s another. When my mind is free, it worries. My imagination is at its most thorough when I am generating scenarios that cause me panic and fear and terror. Why does my mind do that? Well, focusing it all on the cat makes it simple.
I have to assume all the cortisol exploding in my system on and off all day long must be some kind of drug-like experience. I don’t feel high but the adrenaline of the worry and panic keeps a frequency going that can only be relieved by exhaustion and/or closure of some kind or just moving on or past it for a while.
Charlie got better. Everything was okay. Everything.
Today I talk to Zahn McClarnon about working with him on Reservation Dogs and all his other work and life. I talk to Bela Fleck on Thursday about… banjo stuff.
Enjoy!
Boomer, Monkey and LaFonda live!
Love,
Maron
Charlie Beans.
