The deep, Folks.
Things come around. Bad things mostly. Sometimes good things. When I think about the idea of coming around it always relates to patterns. Cycles of behavior, feelings, a return back to the Earth of you, whatever shape that is in.
An old record that looks fine but has deep groove damage from bad styluses that ruins the songs, makes them grating, but you wait to see if it goes away and try to enjoy the song anyway.
I’ve talked about tapping into anger lately because I may have stuffed much of it down in my grief. Because some part of me knew there was nothing to really do with it. Nowhere to point it. I imagine it is some manifestation of sadness or part of the evolution of that specific sadness of loss.
One thing I don’t acknowledge as much as I should or as much as I used to is the deeper fury. The existential rage that is in my wiring. I had an opportunity to see that recently. Not so happy to report it's all still there.
It’s not that I thought I processed it. I’m not sure there is a way to do that. I do know that the one way to stop is not to be in a situation where it is unconsciously summoned and I know exactly what those hooks are. I really want life to be simple but I am an old cat full of old, bad habits and distorted needs and self-centered fears. I have a lot to manage in the operation of my vessel. It is so easy for a fire to start in the engine room and put the entire mission at risk.
Anger has ruined most of my relationships. I am incapacitated emotionally by having manipulative and needy parents who put the motherboard in me. I trust no one. When people care for me or show me love it’s like sandpaper or bad electricity because I am wired to know there is a price to pay. As far as giving love, I have no idea. I’m learning. I improvise. I show up with stuff.
Truth be told, right up until I decided to acknowledge and honor my love for Lynn Shelton, I was in emotional hiding, safe. I have been with people that have ripped me apart or required me to rip myself apart. That’s home to me. I have been with people that don’t expect that out of me and it's comfortable. When I met Lynn it felt safe. Now that she is gone and I am on the precipice of returning to the garbage fire always burning deep inside me. I also can see an ocean rift. Deep sea fish, translucent and teethed, are surfacing. I wrestle them on the deck. On the stage.
Anger and sadness are informing my comedy in a very visceral way. It feels like it's keeping me alive. I do not know if I am processing it. I have to figure out what needs to be done to do that before I destroy myself somehow.
I think that might be what’s been going on with my ear. The pressure and rumbling in my head may be my anger and sadness trying to explode my head from the inside. To literally blow my head off. Thankfully, it’s on pretty tight.
Today I talk to comedian Ricky Velez about NYC, his family and comedy. On Thursday I talk to Bob Spitz about his new Led Zeppelin biography but also about Bruce, Dylan and rock music in general. Great talks.
Enjoy!
Boomer, Monkey and LaFonda live!
Love,
Maron
